Positive Triggers for Your Relationship
Have you noticed how certain words or actions by your partner automatically set off negative emotions in you?
For instance, every time she talks bad about your Mom, each time he leaves his dirty clothes lying around, whenever she gives you an ultimatum, or every time he insists on his chosen route and refuses to try yours.
These negative relationship triggers can take many forms but their effect on you is fairly typical – you feel a surge of resentment, you start raising your voice, you begin to pick a fight, or you stomp off.
The easiest way to wreck a relationship is to breed more of such negative triggers. And the best way to maintain a relationship is to create more positive triggers.
Negative triggers in a relationship can be quite regular because like most actions or behaviour, they can become habitual. For example, your partner frequently works late and fails to contribute his share of the housework. So on a typical day, you come home from work and nurse your anger for hours as you prepare dinner, clean up the house, pick up the kids, and so on. When he finally gets home, you rebuke him for being late, and make him feel guilty for not doing enough to help you or for the family. Guess how he will feel the next time he approaches the home late?
If too many triggers activate negative responses from you too regularly over time, your partner will naturally feel less and less positively about you. This is how relationships atrophy over time. These negative triggers keep chewing up the relationship until few positive triggers remain to strengthen the union.
But what if you could create more positive relationship triggers? Or modify your responses to negative triggers?
Let’s say your partner has a tendency to give ultimatums or threats (empty or otherwise) – for example, “the next time you leave your dirty laundry lying around, I’ll just throw it away!” or “if you don’t do this for me, fine! I’ll ask someone else!”
Wah, that really gets your goat, right? You feel like shouting back, right? Well, don’t. I know it sounds impossible, or that you’re condoning bad behaviour, but responding negatively just feeds the negative energy. Instead, try a positive trigger – smile, hold your partner’s hand, touch her hair, or do something terribly romantic, something you know usually encourages a good response from your partner. Then, explain coolly your difficulties and how the negative trigger makes you feel. You’ll notice a softening in your partner’s stance.
Cultivate more positive triggers to maintain a good relationship.
